Right Idea But The Wrong Behavior
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What is it that is keeping you from living life to the fullest? A troubled marriage, perhaps? Anxiety? Depression? A drinking or weight problem? A dead end job? Feelings of inferiority? Memories of an unhappy childhood, or guilt over past mistakes that you can’t seem to shake? , the pattern---you may a victim of your own self-defeating behaviors (SDBs). The exact definition of an SDB is a behavior that initially started to help an individual cope with a negative experience. But, over time the behavior becomes counter-productive.
Example: A child who experiences neglect and criticism might learn shyness to avoid these experiences, but as an adult could have trouble developing and maintaining relationships---both in his private and professional life.
RIGHT IDEA, BUT THE WRONG BEHAVIOR
People repeat their SDBs because their goal is to be protected and safe. The mistake they make is that they pick the wrong behavior to protect themselves---an SDB. Ironically, people do not understand what the SDB promises, and what the SDB delivers are at severe variance: Perfectionism does not deliver respect, and on-going superior results. Perfectionism delivers conflict, disappointment, and frustration. Trying to be perfect is an exhausting task. Worrying does not deliver
excellent preparation for things that might go wrong in the future. Worrying delivers tension, anxiety, and fear of the future. It is an odd marriage, but procrastinators tend to be worn out, and tired perfectionists who simply learn to delay their responses.
Individuals are so focused on the promise that they cancel out the actually results of their behaviors. When I am in the gym, at times, I will see individuals with severe eating disorders. Their physical deterioration is obvious to those of us in the gym. But, these individuals stare in the mirror, and push themselves physically beyond limitations. The promises that force their behaviors are: physical beauty, acceptance, respect from others, etc. In reality the mirror reveals severe physical damage, and a march towards death.
PRICES THE DRIVING FORCE TO ELIMINATE SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIORS.
For every SDB there are inevitable consequences, or prices. Prices for over-eating might include physical prices such as: excess weight, lack of energy, and cardiovascular disease. The prices for alcohol and drug abuse could include hangovers and liver damage. Physical prices are only part of the problem. SDBs can lead to mental prices including fear, loneliness, and loss of self-respect.
Furthermore, SDB prices do not stop with the individual performing the SDBs they could affect: relationships, family, friends, co-workers, etc. Nature itself has built prices into our life system as natural consequences for doing SDBs. Prices let us know that we’re doing something wrong, that there are attitudes or behaviors we need to change. The results in the mirror are designed to teach the eating disorder individuals that they are on the wrong road, and they need to make a correction. But, that promise is so powerful it distorts the reality in the mirrors. The way out of the box is to teach individuals the severe gap between what is PROMISED, and what is DELIVERED.
FIRST, IDENTIFY YOUR SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIOR.
When I weighed around 300 pounds it was easy to identify the SDB...OBESITY.
For years my weight was 185 pounds, but over time, I gradually started to gain weight, and the trend continued.
SECOND, WHAT WAS THE PROMISE BEHIND MY WEIGHT ISSURES?
Initially, I struggled with this issue. As I continued to ponder this issue, slowly the answer emerged from the dark part of my mind into my conscious mind. The promise was an undisciplined, carefree, exciting, lifestyle. Where did that come from? For years I maintained a disciplined and athletic lifestyle. This took a lot of regular workouts, discipline, concentration, and just a lot of work and effort. In my junior year in college, one day I was tired of my routine, and simply decided to quit. Then, I adopted a sedentary lifestyle. Initially, it was WONDERFUL!!! I had ample to do whatever I wanted to do. The best of times! Then, I slowly begin, and continued to gain weight. The issue became clear. Initially, the undisciplined lifestyle was very positive, but today I was paying severe prices. A price wheel is a good tool to reveal the gap between what is promised, and what is delivered.
THIRD, THE PRICE WHEEL.
Take an 11/1/2 by 8 inch sheet of paper. In the upper right corner start analyzing, and writing down what you think is the PROMISE of your behavior. Then in the center of the paper draw a circle the size of nickel. In that circle write down what your behavior is. My obesity was easy to identify. From that circle connect four circles in each direction to the circle. In those circles write in the major areas of your life that is affected by the center circle. My major areas were: Health, Relationships, Future, and my Profession. From each of these circles add four more circles, and write down the impact of these behaviors. For Health, my major areas were: Chest Pains, Gout, Difficult to move around, and Future medical problems. Follow through with this exercise, and let it unfold as an atom expanding out.
I was promised a carefree, exciting life. What was being delivered was: Health problems injections for my severe Gout. Chest pains, pre-diabetic, the effects went on and on. Wow, Wow, Wow, what a severe Gap. Then, a friend of mine “gently suggested” I apply my change models to my obesity. I did, and it worked. My current weight is 163 pounds, and my health issues have disappeared! Also, the other major areas of my life that were affected improved. It amazes me that individuals are “Blind” to the Gaps in their lives, and the severe consequences of these Gaps.
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