The Simple Secret of DefeatingSelf-Defeating Behaviors
Displaying a self-defeating behavior does not mean your “defective” or “sick”. It simply means that you’re still being controlled by negative external forces that have been internalized ---family members, church, school, etc. These institutions are too often sources of criticism, prejudice, unrealistically high expectations, and even abuse. We may have been victims of these environmental influences earlier in our lives. As adults, we victimize ourselves---by continuing to behave in ways that are no longer helpful.
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Initially,the self-defeating behaviors were positive they protected us. For example, a child who is subjected to excessive criticism withdraws away from others. At this point the behavior is positive. Withdrawing protects that individual from criticism, and feel safe. "If I withdraw from people, I will avoid criticism and feel safe." But, over time the behavior becomes counter-productive. The withdrawn child could become a shy adult.
This would result in an inability to form relationships, and interfere with achieving career goals.
Because these self-defeating behaviors were learned, reinforced, and practiced unconsciously, it’s sometimes hard to spot the danger they pose. Once these behavioral conclusions are reinforced through repetition, and stored in the unconscious the behaviors feels automatic. Two powerful forces keep these negative patterns alive...A PROMISE OF PROTECTION: For example, you might think to yourself, if I worry all the time, I’ll be prepared for what might happen to me. The other force is FEAR: This is often expressed as an almost superstitious thought---“If I stop worrying then disaster will surely strike.” People refer to these behavioral conclusions as “FEELINGS”. Unfortunately, the behavior doesn’t deliver on the promise...and people wind up being ruled by the fear. In the recovery community, these feelings are referred to as “Demons” that they have to fight.
Once the self-defeating behaviors become counter-productive it creates a paradox in individuals. They feel safe doing their behaviors and as a result people ARE AFRAID NOT TO REPEAT THEIR SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIORS. These feelings over-ride the conscious mind. That is why individuals will look right at you and say “I should not be smoking” as they light up another cigarette. If being irrational and counter-productive in present day reality weren’t enough. The mythical fears will create the exact opposite results of what an individual wants! I had a women come to see me who was very troubled with her relationships. Her first husband of 13 years left her for a younger woman. She remarried a man who appeared to be very devoted her. She told me that she truly loved her second husband, and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Yet, she spent years driving him away by being cold, controlling and withholding affection. He divorced her too. The behaviors in present day reality seemed absurd, but once her behavioral beliefs and mythical fears were brought to consciousness they made “sense”: “I know, in time, you will reject me. If I harden my heart now, then I won’t be hurt when you leave.” In preparing for his departure, she insured it would come to pass.
FIVE STEPS NOT TO REPEAT THE SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIORS
Step 1: IDENTITY THE BEHAVIOR: Let us continue to use of example of compulsive worry.
Step 2: IDENTIFY THE SITUATIONS THAT TRIGGER THE BEHAVIOR: IF you observe other people---or yourself---you’ll see self-defeating behaviors are not used all the time, but under particular (stressful) situations. Self-defeating behavior form a trigger pattern. A trigger pattern has three dimensions: WHEN: you’re trying to fall asleep. Where: I worry when I am in bed. With Whom: I am alone in bed on Friday and Saturday nights when my teenage daughter is out on a date.
Step 3: HOW YOU BUILD THE BEHAVIOR: Self-Defeating Behaviors do no come upon us. We re-create them by using specific thoughts and behaviors. There is a split-second between the triggering situation, and the moment we begin to construct the behavior. In this instant we choose to think a self-defeating thought...focus on that thought...and begin to reinforce the thought. The negative behaviors you observe in other people: smoking, being negative, shyness, perfectionism, etc. are ways they “practice” their self-defeating behaviors. It’s nearly impossible to change this pattern once it’s been set in motion---one step follows automatically on the heels of another. But---by repeatedly observing the sequence of mental events, you can learn to break this pattern of behavior in the future. What once happened automatically will gradually become a conscious process---and will therefore lose its power.
Step 4: IDENTIFY HEALTHY REPACEMENT BEHAVIORS: As millions of Americans know, simply trying to stop a Self-Defeating Behavior is a recipe for on-going failure. When individuals eliminate their behaviors this creates a void. The goal is to replace this void with healthy alternatives. Find a healthy replacement behavior: Develop a workout routine, build some new relationships, give yourself some free time, etc. Where to find replacement behaviors: Your past, what do you do before your self-defeating behaviors? Seek Feedback from others. Ask people you trust for suggestions. Your wiser self, people know what to do to make the corrections...trust yourself. And, trust your body what would feel good physically in this situation?
Step 5: PRACTICE REPLACING THE OLD BEHAVIOR WITH A NEW, HEALTHIER ONE: At first you’ll need to be vigilant. It will feel unnatural not to slip into the old pattern. But if you persist, you’ll reprogram your unconscious mind...and the new self-enhancing behavior will become as automatic as the self-defeating behavior once was.
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Phone: 612-710-4542
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